Monday, January 29, 2007


I am sorry if I seem obsessed with this topic lately. Hahaha. I have been involved in a very long - like 6-month long - conversation about love and insanity and hope and weighing needs against ideals and everything like that. It is neverending. The person I am having this conversation with is crazy and beautiful and amazing and wise and kind...and sometimes the opposite of all of that. There are times when I feel like I am in love with him, and there are times when I feel like that would be the absolute dumbest idea in the world. But either way, this whole epic discussion is making me think. Hard. About what I value, what I need, what I want...and what I am willing to compromise. And, really, either way it is moot. Because we will most likely never be together...for various reasons - some his and some mine.

It sounds both more and less tragic than it actually is. You know? On the one hand, how wonderful that I have this person with whom I can share so much without having to worry about all of that relationship crap with. On the other hand...there are times when the idea of us together is painfully desirable, and the reasons why we can't be are almost Shakespearian in drama and in convolution. Of course, there are also simple and logistical reasons for the way things are, but that's no fun to focus on! Hahaha.

But anyway, I keep having these really revelatory conversations with this person that seem to apply only to him or me or him and me, but in actuality are fairly universal. I should probably look back on them in times of distance to see what I can dig up. But recently, there has been a lot having to do with safety and honesty and whether you can actually preserve stability by being dishonest. I guess I had never considered before that honesty can cause instability, and that people need to be prepared to deal with that consequence if they choose to be honest. And that some people choose to be dishonest rather than risk causing instability.

I am also learning a lot about trusting my instincts to love people. And to allow second and third and fourth chances. And allowing someone to give me second and third and fourth chances. It is a friendship, but it is way deeper than that. It is painful, but it gives so much wisdom and fulfillment in return. I feel like, yeah, like there is a reason this person is in my life in the way that he is. I am thankful for his presence even though sometimes I want to kick him in the shins and stick my tongue out at him. He is a challenge, and he is delightful. He is a stubborn, obnoxious brat, and he is adorable. He is my friend, and I love him without measure.

What more can I say?